Love is not always easy..

Love is ugly, you see the absolute worst in someone. You see them when they’re mad, sad, being stubborn, when they’re so unlovable they make you scream. But you also get to see them when they are laughing so hard that tears run down their face, and they can’t help but let out those weird gurgling noises.

You see them at 3am when the world is asleep except you two, and you’re eating in the middle of the kitchen floor. You get to see the side of them that no one else does, and it’s not always pretty. Its snorting while laughing, its the tears when it feels like its all crashing down, its the farting, its the bedhead and bad breath, its the random dances, its the anger and the joy.

Love isn’t a beautiful thing, but it is amazing. It’s knowing that someone loves you so much, and won’t leave you even though you said something nasty. It’s having someone have your back no matter what. Its fights over stupid things, like someone not doing the dishes or picking up after themselves. And it’s those nights you fall asleep in each others arms, feeling like there will never be enough time with them. It’s cleaning up their throw up, or just rubbing their back when they’re sick. It’s the dirtiest, hardest, most rewarding job there is.

Because at the end of the day you get to crawl into bed with your best friend, the weirdest, most annoying, loving, goofy, perfect person that you know. Love is not beautiful, but it’s one heaven of a ride. ❤️

I would give anything to continue to make all these wonderful memories…

In Loving memory of My first true Love Timothy Vernon.

Diary of a junkie

I guess in the beginning it was easy, It was easy to find a way out. To escape all my problems for a little while. I guess I should start from the very start of my addiction. I was 16 years old still a baby, I didn’t see it that way. I thought i was grown no one could tell me different. I got pregnant with a man who was older his name will be “Josh” he was old enough to not be involved with a 16 year old me, I felt so special he wanted to be with me i guess i felt some kind of worth that i hadnt felt before. Anyways i packed up my stuff in the middle of the night by this time i was three months pregnant. I couldn’t face my grandparents ( i lived with them ) they already seen me as a fuck up most days. I already knew what they would say “You’re just like your mother” words to a kid that meant nothing at the time. So i just left at 3am and went to “Josh’s” house he already knew i was pregnant he was the one taking me to the doctors. It wasn’t long after i moved in i met the real “Josh” the addicted “Josh”. something that was all new to me. I didn’t do drugs barely knew anything about them i had played around with weed once or twice but that was it.

A little while went by and we lost our baby boy. I was so confused and angry all the time and “Josh” coped with more pills and dope. What was i supposed to do i didnt have him to talk to he was always out of it.One day i just snapped i wanted him to see how stupid he looked so I tried it i wanted him to see how dumb he looked all the time. I knew exactly how to do it. I had seen him to so many times. as i crushed up that pill tears ran down my face, I second guess it for a minute but i was tired of being alone I was hoping that him seeing me do it and how i acted he would just stop. I put that dollar bill to my nose the same way he always did and i inhaled as hard as i could just like he did. I remember instantly gagging wanting to throw up but i held it down, about 10 minutes later IT HIT ME! The rush, the relaxing sensation that i had been longing for, I had been begging God for, I just wanted to be numb, and it was at that very moment that I got it. I then understood what “Josh” was doing. What I didn’t realize was the life long path that i had just chosen.

A year  went by i was still doing the same pills, It was just supposed to be that one time. I was only trying to show “Josh” what he was doing. The pills became hard to find and somedays impossible. So being the addict that i now am I had to find something else something that would stop the sickness and the pain it brought. Heroin wasnt big i my town back then i knew about heroin because “Josh” had done it a few times i hadn’t tried it i was scared in the beginning because “Josh” used a needle something that used to horrify me. But when your sick you’ll try anything to make it stop. So i got in my car and drove to another city a hour away because thats the only place you could find it then. I went to all these shady neighborhoods that i didnt belong in.  I was just a 17 Year old white girl who maybe weighed 100 pounds at that time easily could have been robbed, or raped in these neighborhoods. I stopped and asked every person standing around these places if they had any “boy” slang for heroin. I always scored. i drove to the bridge and pulled into a Burger King where i would do my dope, i wasnt scared of needles anymore, not when i knew it would make me feel better instantly. It did for a about a day, i made that hour long drive everyday. I didnt have a job so I stole what i knew was valuable. My grandparents taught me morals and the difference from right and wrong but that all went out the window with my addiction. None of my friends or family knew i was using if they did that kept quiet. I did this for so long hiding my addiction, I cut off my friends and never seen or called my family i just kept my distance. They were the people who seen me everyday they would know something wasnt right.

People Began to ask questions, “Why are you so skinny?”, “Are you sick your pale?” or the most common question from my family was “why dont you come by or call?” Questions i always had excuses for being a addict you learn to think on your feet. I was almost 18 by the time i overdosed for the first time, And oddly when i woke up in the hospital hooked to machines it wasnt the knowing that i had died that scared me it was the fact that everyone now knew i was a “Junkie”. Everyone wanted to know what it was like? Did it scare me straight? I lied and said yes that i learned my lesson, But honestly i just wanted out of the hospital so i could get high. There wast really help then for heroin it wasnt really a “problem” in our county yet. So they let me back out on the street I didnt make it another 5 hours and I overdosed again this time i didnt go to the hospital. I was thrown in a cold shower and given CPR. Hell i woke up thinking i got in the shower with my clothes on. I knew something had to change i was 80 pounds soaking wet. I finally went and seen my grandmother since my overdose the first time. I showed up at her job embarrassed. My clothes that once fit hung around my bones, As soon as she seen me i just started crying i wasnt sure why then, Now i realized that was my first real cry for help (literally). This was the first time she had asked me to come back home. I said yes i packed my things at “Josh’s” and went back to where i knew i would be safe. I got clean not by myself. I told my grandparents what to expect. I dont think my grandmother slept for weeks. i know she could hear me crying out at night from the pain, hot flashes, restless legs, and lets not forget the fluids that came out. It was awful.

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I was clean for a long time, I even fell in love again. Timmy was my knight and shining armor he was everything i wanted to be. Timmy was also a addict so i was open about it i didnt have to lie. Timmy was in a half way house when i met him. He was the kindest most giving person i had met. He was perfect!! We dated for a little while we didnt tell anyone. We would go to dinner, Movies, Wal-Mart (not much to choose from in our town) every night I would take him back to the half way house and drop him off before his curfew. He would lean in and give me a small kiss and tell me text me when you get home. I always went straight home i knew he would worry if he didnt hear back from me in about 35 minutes. I finally met Timmy’s parents, we had a run in at Wal-Mart they didnt say much to me that first time, they were checking me out. They didnt know much about me. Me and Timmy werent really promoting our relationship yet. I was a little nervous I knew all about them and i knew they knew very little about me. That night when i took Timmy home he asked me to go to church with him and his family, That was a big deal for us. This would be the first time we came out as a couple, I nervously said yes. That next day i got up put on a dress even though Timmy said i could wear jeans (I’m not a dress person) I wanted to look my best, I was about to meet his family and friends! We showed up to Church we got out and Timmy grabbed my hand as we walked towards his family waiting out front, I remember my legs felt like jello. When his mother spoke to me i had to force words to come out, I just knew i was about to turn into a puddle of nervousness. Timmy introduced me to it seems like everyone there. I wouldnt have changed anything about that day. I’ll carry that with me forever.

Me and Timmy had been dating for awhile, we decided to move in together, It was gonna be great we thought. I introduced Timmys little brother to my best friend everything was perfect. Timmys little brother was also a recovering addict. So we all kind of fit in (except my Best Friend) she was just a pot head no hard drugs ever! We all discussed moving in together. Timmy and his brother worked all day and came and worked on our new house after work. Everything was falling into place. (So we thought). They tell you relapse is part of addiction but what they dont tell you is when you have three sober people around one another that if one falls everyone will fall. And thats what happened. one fell and we all went down. One Giant crash and burn. i’ll spare all the details. Timmy’s little brother went back to their parents house, Timmy went back to the halfway house, My best friend back to her sisters, and me I went to Prison rehab. A 90 day program for people just like me. I was scared and alone, things with me and Timmy didnt end so well then. I knew one thing when I got out i was gonna find him, I was gonna apologize. I knew I loved him.

After treatment I got a job, enrolled in school and got up with Timmy. We rekindled our love and what happened I fucked up! I relapsed i completely shut Timmy out. I didnt want my relapse to become his again. I lied about everything he would call i’d be at work, or at school when truthfully i was getting high in the back of a shitty tattoo shop. I almost got myself thrown back in prison i dont know how i didnt. Timmy knew i was lying hell everyone did. I was ashamed when i finally sobered up again I came clean to Timmy. Things were going great we seen his family all the time, we would go to his moms for dinner i loved doing that. Timmy was just like his dad sarcastic and a complete nut. They were definite shit talkers, and if you didnt like it you could “kiss their ass”! You learn to adjust and give it right back. Timmy’s little sister rolled right along with them she had a come back for everything, she is feisty thats for sure. Over the years you learn to open up and just be happy in the moment.

I was with Timmy for 5 years. We had some rocky times in and out of jail, Prison, relapse’s, miscarriages, me fucking up. But Timmy NEVER gave up on me or on US! He seen the good in everything, and i’m more of a glass half empty type of person he always hated that. In that 5 years i seen all the good in Timmy he would give anybody anything, he would take the shirt off his back to give to someone just because they liked the color, Timmy gave his favorite shoes away to a kid next door just because he didnt have any that fit and his parents couldnt afford new ones. Timmy was the type of person that got joy from giving money to the homeless ( i loved that about him). Even in addiction Timmy was kind and giving. Timmy taught me things by actions not words. He always told me words are meaningless without actions and he was right! He showed me everyday that he loved me, Timmy loved his family he always said his dad was his best friend, and his Momma lord help the person that ever said something out the way to his momma. He was overprotective of his sister he tried to hide it but let her talk about a boy! She would never hear the end of it keep in mind she is 21, and his brothers even though they fought he loved them and he told them every time he seen them. He wasnt a cold person, he was a if i have to beat your ass and love you after type of person.

I am telling you this because Timmy is no longer here to tell you. Addiction took away the man i love, it took away a son, a brother, a father, uncle, cousin, and a friend. Addiction took away a soul who will NEVER be forgotten. Just because you cant always see someone’s struggle doesnt mean its not there. You can never take away the last thing you said to someone and you never know it could be the last time you get to say your sorry or I love you.

I am 23 years old and in seven days i will attend my fiance’s service, I will have to say my final goodbyes. I wasnt prepared to do this yet. The night before he died we were arguing about him wearing a bow tie to our wedding. ( he said no bow tie ) That was just three weeks ago. Now im having to pick out a black dress. If you are struggling with addiction call someone, tell someone so this tragedy doesnt happen to you or your loved ones. I think Timmy kept it to himself because he had already fallen and he didnt want me to fall with him and who knows maybe i would have. But there were other solutions. As a addict its a coping skill, it’s what we know best. I cant bring Timmy back and honestly if i could i dont think he would want to come back. He is finally at peace. He wanted to get away from the rinky dink town we grew up in and we couldnt leave fast enough. I’ll never know if it was a accident, i’ll never know what exactly happened that night while i was asleep in bed. We will all have questions for the rest of our lives, questions that only Timmy Michael can anone’s. So if you or someone you love is struggling let them know your there. 

With All My Love,

Kaysy

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I will forever Love You Circles! 💖♼