A Letter To Heaven…

I wish i was kissing you instead of missing you.

 

You left too soon without saying goodbye. You were not suppose to be struggling. We had just had a conversation and you were so full of life. You were cracking all kinds of jokes. You were laughing your contagious laugh. You told me that you felt better. We stayed up extra late that night talking all about our future together. We said our usual ‘I love yous’, and I had no idea that it would be the last time.

But I think you knew it was your time. You would say scary things. You would talk about the details of your funeral. You even told me “Well if I die, I just want you to know you mean the world to me and I love you so much.”

I fell hard for you. I had never thought that I would let someone in like that. I took forever to say “I love you” back, but you patiently waited. I remember the time in our relationship when you would tell me “I love you circles” and I would just reply “I know.” I only wanted to say those three words to my husband. When those words finally slipped out of my mouth, I made you promise me that you would not break my heart. The day you left, you did not just break my heart; you completely shattered it.

For a really long time I was angry. I was angry that God took you entirely too soon. I was angry at the things ignorant people would say to try to bring me comfort. I was angry because I felt like you chose to leave me, like you chose to leave all of us.

The day you left, the world seemed a little darker. I did not just lose my boyfriend. I along with so many other people, lost my best friend. Your sweet little nieces and nephews lost their Uncle. Your siblings lost their beloved brother. Your mother lost her baby. But heaven gained the most joyous angel.
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As I have had my journey though the grieving process, my thoughts on the whole situation have changed. I used to be devastated that you left. Now, I can only think about that glorious moment and the huge grin on your face as you walked up to the pearly gates and you were greeted by Jesus. I used to be angry that you did not even have a chance to fight that awful disease. Now, I am thankful that you could leave on your own terms, with dignity and respect. That you lived.

There are a lot of things you have missed out on and are going to miss out on. I wish you could have come to my little sisters shows. I wish we could have spent the summer together. I wish you could have started that business. I wish you could come to birthdays, anniversaries and weddings. I wish you could watch all of your nieces and nephews grow up. I wish you could see your little sister get married. I wish you could do a lot of things and experience so much more than what you did in your short twenty-nine years. I am so thankful for all of the things that you did experience.

Thank you. Thank you for patiently waiting for me. Thank you for being my best friend before anything. Thank you for our million silly inside jokes. Thank you for listening to me while I would talk throughout your favorite movies. Thank you for the endless laughs. Thank you for the millions of sweet compliments that made a smile spread across my face. Thank you for always walking the dogs with me even though you were tired. Thank you for always listening to my stories that were entirely too long. Thank you for the late nights of stargazing. Thank you for not judging my embarrassing baby pictures. Thank you for always being my personal cheerleader. Thank you for singing along with me in the car (and not complaining too much when I made your ears bleed). Thank you for being the life of the party. Thank you for being the best friend anyone could ask for. Thank you for being the “fun brother in law”. Thank you for being the squirrley little brother, but also the big brother that picked on, but looked out for, all of your siblings. Thank you for being the ‘momma’s boy’ that did everything to help make her proud. Thank you for listening to all my late night rambles. Thank you for buying my food and always letting me have “just one bite” of yours too. Thank you for always making me feel beautiful. Thank you for slowly and carefully taking apart the high walls I built around my heart. Thank you for the big bear hugs that felt like you were holding me together. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, and through that sweet love, teaching me how to love. Thank you for pushing me to dream big. Thank you for dreaming up a beautiful future with me. Thank you for making me feel so important, as you did to everyone you encountered. Thank you for being the prime example of living a life to the fullest. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for making life a wonderful adventure. Thank you for all of the things that you taught me. Thank you for simply being you. You did more for me than I ever let you know.
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I think I could write a whole novel about you, but I do not think I could do you any justice. The impact you left on not just me, but our entire community is incredible. The type of person you were is something to strive for. I thank God every day for sharing you with me. I praise Him for the legacy you have left here on this earth. We have hope today because my charismatic, goofy, thoughtful, one-of-a-kind, loving Alfredo is in heaven rejoicing with Jesus.

Although I miss you terribly, I know I will see you very soon. Until then, keep looking out for me. I know we will have a lot of catching up to do one day. You will be missed today and forever. I love you so much Timothy Michael and i am still down here keeping my promise. I will always take care of your family even though you are gone i will keep my  promise..

 

I Love You Circles,

 Your Wifey Kaysy…. xoxo

Dear Ex Best Friend

Dear Ex-Best Friend,

I can’t believe it has been months since we talked last… I never would have thought that this would happen to us. There has been so much that has happened since then, and I want you to know everything. I think it’s crazy that even though we aren’t best friends and aren’t as close as we used to be, I still want to tell you everything. It honestly sucks, because you’re not that person for me anymore.

You were the person I was able to count on for anything and everything. You were the person I called when anything good or bad happened. You were my person. And we were supposed to be best friends forever, but that didn’t work out like we thought it would.

I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I call someone else my best friend. I’m sorry that we aren’t making all of the memories we thought we would be making. I’m sorry I never uploaded those pics of us (but now it would be kind of weird). I’m sorry this is weird. Us not being best friends is just weird. But I guess that’s life, and sometimes, things don’t turn out like you think they will or should.

You were the one person I was supposed to be able to count on for anything. You used to be a phone call away—but suddenly you stopped answering. You were supposed to always look out for me—but then you were talking behind my back. We were supposed to be friends forever—but the next thing I knew, we were growing further and further apart.

But I guess that’s life. Nothing is constant and no one owes you anything. And even though we’re not friends anymore, I still want to thank you. Thank you for being my best friend—and dealing with everything that comes with that. Thank you for the nights we stayed up til dawn just talking and laughing. Thank you for being honest and genuinely caring about me. Thank you for taking me for me, and never letting other’s judgments get in the way. Thanks for never sharing those embarrassing pictures you took of me. And thank you, thank you, thank you for being the best friend I needed during that part of my life.

And even though we are no longer friends, I just want you to know that I could never hate you. Trust me, I’ve tried. It sounds awful, but I thought it would be easier to get over losing you if I could hate you—but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was hurt when you left, but I will never hate you. You were my best friend. And despite how things ended up, because of that, I will always love you.

Sometimes, I still scroll through pictures of us and smile. I see screenshots of old conversations and laugh. And whenever I see something that reminds me of you or an inside joke, I almost always almost send it to you. I don’t think there will ever be a day when you don’t cross my mind at least once, but the sadness and hurt are fading, and I’m learning to look at you as a cherished memory. 

Everyone chooses their paths in life, and I guess your path just no longer intertwined with mine. But I hope you’re happy. Because I really do wish you the best. I hope you’ve found someone new to send all those weird memes too, to stay up on the phone with on the nights you just can’t sleep, to binge watch Friends with, and to equally complain and celebrate about all the things with.

Just know that I don’t hate you and that I’ll always love you. Know that I cherish the memories we made and wouldn’t trade them for anything. I’ll always check your snaps and Facebook posts to make sure you’re doing ok, because some things will never change. And know that even if I don’t go up to you the next time I see you, I will always be grateful to have called you my best friend. 

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Even though we aren’t friends anymore, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being my best friend and always being there for me, through thick and thin. Thank you for letting me call you family mine (they basically became my second family). Thank you for keeping all of my secrets, no matter what they were. Thank you for always being honest with me and for always being there for me. Thank you for all of the nights we didn’t go to bed until three or four in the morning. Thank you for all of our memories and the cute (and not so cute) pictures that pop up on my Timehop all the time. Thank you for being everything I could ask for (and more) in a best friend.

I miss you…a lot. I miss texting you about every single thing that happened in my life (even the stupidest things). Sometimes I find myself going through my camera roll and looking at photos of us, and all I do is smile. I occasionally find screenshots of our old texts and conversations and I can’t help but laugh at all of the stupid things we said. Photos of us pop up on my Timehop at least once a week. Some of our memories that show up make me laugh at how stupid we were sometimes. Other memories that show up kill me inside, because it reminds me that we aren’t (and might not ever be) that close again. Having you as my best friend was one of the best things that happened to me so far in my life and I am beyond thankful for the memories we have together (good and bad). I miss spending almost every day with you and jamming out in the car. I miss all of the ugly pictures we sent each other and the random video chats. I miss your family and how I used to know what was going on in their lives too. I miss knowing that no matter what happened you would be there. I miss my other half, my person, and my best friend.

I hate that whenever someone asks me how you’re doing I don’t even know how to reply. I hate that whenever we do text and have an actual conversation, they aren’t like they used to be. I hate that now we go weeks without texting or talking to each other, when we used to not be able to go a day without talking.

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I’m so upset that we let our friendship get to where it is now. How did this happen? What happened to us? It all feels like a blur because it happened so fast. How did we even let this happen? I’m mad that we didn’t fight harder for our friendship. Our friendship was different than most and I can’t believe we let it slip away. I am mad that we let our friendship become nothing but memories and old photos.

Never forget that I will always be here for you no matter what happens. I am only a text, call, or video Chat away. I promised I would always be there for you when you needed someone, and even though things have changed, that will never change.

I love you to the moon and back,

Your Ex-Best Friend

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Love is not always easy..

Love is ugly, you see the absolute worst in someone. You see them when they’re mad, sad, being stubborn, when they’re so unlovable they make you scream. But you also get to see them when they are laughing so hard that tears run down their face, and they can’t help but let out those weird gurgling noises.

You see them at 3am when the world is asleep except you two, and you’re eating in the middle of the kitchen floor. You get to see the side of them that no one else does, and it’s not always pretty. Its snorting while laughing, its the tears when it feels like its all crashing down, its the farting, its the bedhead and bad breath, its the random dances, its the anger and the joy.

Love isn’t a beautiful thing, but it is amazing. It’s knowing that someone loves you so much, and won’t leave you even though you said something nasty. It’s having someone have your back no matter what. Its fights over stupid things, like someone not doing the dishes or picking up after themselves. And it’s those nights you fall asleep in each others arms, feeling like there will never be enough time with them. It’s cleaning up their throw up, or just rubbing their back when they’re sick. It’s the dirtiest, hardest, most rewarding job there is.

Because at the end of the day you get to crawl into bed with your best friend, the weirdest, most annoying, loving, goofy, perfect person that you know. Love is not beautiful, but it’s one heaven of a ride. ❤️

I would give anything to continue to make all these wonderful memories…

In Loving memory of My first true Love Timothy Vernon.

The Day Before

Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face—I know it’s an impossibility, but I cannot help myself..

Addiction, looks like unmade beds, unwashed hair, personal hygiene that somehow gets lost in time… The energy and the will to have a shower, to brush your teeth, to eat something, has long but faded to the back of your thoughts. Time loses all meaning to you. Was that a minute that just passed by, or was it another year? The years are flying by now, with my main goal, in getting better; Feeling so incredibly far from my reach…

 

I used to catch glimmers of bright lights, dancing on the horizon. And I used to run. I would run, as fast and as hard as I could, towards this hopeful bright future. Never quite managing to catch these beautiful bright rays. But always promising myself; next time, I will… Now days, it’s pitch black, in every direction I turn and look. There is no light to be seen. As I trip and stumble my way around this nightmarish place, blinded by the darkness. The deep sinking feeling inside my heart, growing ever increasingly greedy to escape this hell in which I now exist.

 

People, used to say to me, You don’t look like you are a heroin addict.” Well then, I would think to myself, I’m a far better actor than I thought possible. Because for years and years, I have been able to paint a smile on my face, immerse myself in the other person; I find other people fascinating, and for a minute or so, I can belong in their world. You become a master of deception. Holding yourself together, but only just, at the seams.. You have to hold this secret, this torment which is part of your true identity; And you have to hide it from the sight of others, because it’s your shame, and your guilt, and it whispers foul, death things, into your ear.

 

 

You learn to say, “I’m fine” You learn how to push people you love, away… You do it, because you have to save them from the reality, of which is yourself. So to me, addiction, can look any number of ways. It can be your laugh and your smile, as you talk to others, It can be the closed door, the self-induced isolation, the painful loneliness you have to endure. And here I lie, so lost, and so far from my goal… I just want to live, and be functional, again. 

 I want these flashbacks from the day before to just go away. i want to stop seeing you laying there lifeless. i want to remember all the good NOT that one day of tragedy. I want my mind to stop racing. I want to feel normal just for a little while. If only i could just go back to the day before, just so i could try and save you. Everyday i see you in that hour and i dont want to watch as it plays in my mind but i am unable to look away it’s like my brain is on a constant loop of the day before.

You Will Forever Be With Me.. I Love You Circles!

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Living Broken

I wish I was as strong as everybody thinks I am. I am the girl who can get through anything. The girl who breezes through heartbreaks. The girl who is so independent, so strong, so willed. Or so they think.

I wish I was as numb as I’d like to think. The girl who doesn’t feel anymore. The girl who doesn’t care. The selfish, self-interested girl who couldn’t care less about what anyone has to say.

But actually, I am not.

My heart is broken. It feels like it’s in pieces, and every piece has a jagged end. These edges poke at me from the inside every time I move. Even every time I breathe. I am fine on the outside. My hair is straightened out, my eyelashes curled, my outfit chic. I have my chin held high, my mouth in a coy smile. But inside, I am bleeding. Sometimes I even wonder how I am able to survive. Sometimes the pain isn’t even metaphorical. It is real. Like someone is squeezing my heart, like I’m having a cardiac arrest, like I just want to throw up. I find the sight of food revolting. They would all ask if I’m okay when they hear the news. And I will say I’m fine, with a smile that I don’t even know how I muster.

My hands are shaking as I type this. I need to do some work, and I do it in a trance. If I digress, I start to feel. I can’t afford to feel. I feel like I just need an explanation. I cannot move on without an understanding. But at the same time I know that not everything needs to be explained. Not everything needs to be known. Sometimes, it just is.

It’s not so hard to blame myself. I could have been better. I could have loved better. I could have been more patient. I could have done this and done that. But none of that will ever change anything anymore. It’s not so hard to blame karma either. That maybe things turned back around and bit me when I least expected it. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I shouldn’t even complain. All the times I’ve hurt other people — maybe this is revenge. Maybe I shouldn’t even complain as the pain I’m feeling now isn’t even half of what I’ve caused others. Maybe I’m a bad person, and I needed to feel this to wake up.

I can hardly breathe. I’m in a state of shock, of disbelief. How could all this be happening? I’ve had nightmares like this before, but I would always wake up finding him beside me. Why am I not waking up from this? Is this even real?

I’m just so broken, My face feels like its gonna break from all the fake smiles. Every time I talk about him my voice shakes and I feel like I am gonna bust into tears. I am just hoping as the time passes it will get just a little easier. I know nothing will EVER replace him and i would never want anything to try. I cant undo whats done i can only help other people with the same issues that we have…

                                                                                                 Love Always,

                                                                                                      Kaysy

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I am not who they say I am

Diary of a junkie

I guess in the beginning it was easy, It was easy to find a way out. To escape all my problems for a little while. I guess I should start from the very start of my addiction. I was 16 years old still a baby, I didn’t see it that way. I thought i was grown no one could tell me different. I got pregnant with a man who was older his name will be “Josh” he was old enough to not be involved with a 16 year old me, I felt so special he wanted to be with me i guess i felt some kind of worth that i hadnt felt before. Anyways i packed up my stuff in the middle of the night by this time i was three months pregnant. I couldn’t face my grandparents ( i lived with them ) they already seen me as a fuck up most days. I already knew what they would say “You’re just like your mother” words to a kid that meant nothing at the time. So i just left at 3am and went to “Josh’s” house he already knew i was pregnant he was the one taking me to the doctors. It wasn’t long after i moved in i met the real “Josh” the addicted “Josh”. something that was all new to me. I didn’t do drugs barely knew anything about them i had played around with weed once or twice but that was it.

A little while went by and we lost our baby boy. I was so confused and angry all the time and “Josh” coped with more pills and dope. What was i supposed to do i didnt have him to talk to he was always out of it.One day i just snapped i wanted him to see how stupid he looked so I tried it i wanted him to see how dumb he looked all the time. I knew exactly how to do it. I had seen him to so many times. as i crushed up that pill tears ran down my face, I second guess it for a minute but i was tired of being alone I was hoping that him seeing me do it and how i acted he would just stop. I put that dollar bill to my nose the same way he always did and i inhaled as hard as i could just like he did. I remember instantly gagging wanting to throw up but i held it down, about 10 minutes later IT HIT ME! The rush, the relaxing sensation that i had been longing for, I had been begging God for, I just wanted to be numb, and it was at that very moment that I got it. I then understood what “Josh” was doing. What I didn’t realize was the life long path that i had just chosen.

A year  went by i was still doing the same pills, It was just supposed to be that one time. I was only trying to show “Josh” what he was doing. The pills became hard to find and somedays impossible. So being the addict that i now am I had to find something else something that would stop the sickness and the pain it brought. Heroin wasnt big i my town back then i knew about heroin because “Josh” had done it a few times i hadn’t tried it i was scared in the beginning because “Josh” used a needle something that used to horrify me. But when your sick you’ll try anything to make it stop. So i got in my car and drove to another city a hour away because thats the only place you could find it then. I went to all these shady neighborhoods that i didnt belong in.  I was just a 17 Year old white girl who maybe weighed 100 pounds at that time easily could have been robbed, or raped in these neighborhoods. I stopped and asked every person standing around these places if they had any “boy” slang for heroin. I always scored. i drove to the bridge and pulled into a Burger King where i would do my dope, i wasnt scared of needles anymore, not when i knew it would make me feel better instantly. It did for a about a day, i made that hour long drive everyday. I didnt have a job so I stole what i knew was valuable. My grandparents taught me morals and the difference from right and wrong but that all went out the window with my addiction. None of my friends or family knew i was using if they did that kept quiet. I did this for so long hiding my addiction, I cut off my friends and never seen or called my family i just kept my distance. They were the people who seen me everyday they would know something wasnt right.

People Began to ask questions, “Why are you so skinny?”, “Are you sick your pale?” or the most common question from my family was “why dont you come by or call?” Questions i always had excuses for being a addict you learn to think on your feet. I was almost 18 by the time i overdosed for the first time, And oddly when i woke up in the hospital hooked to machines it wasnt the knowing that i had died that scared me it was the fact that everyone now knew i was a “Junkie”. Everyone wanted to know what it was like? Did it scare me straight? I lied and said yes that i learned my lesson, But honestly i just wanted out of the hospital so i could get high. There wast really help then for heroin it wasnt really a “problem” in our county yet. So they let me back out on the street I didnt make it another 5 hours and I overdosed again this time i didnt go to the hospital. I was thrown in a cold shower and given CPR. Hell i woke up thinking i got in the shower with my clothes on. I knew something had to change i was 80 pounds soaking wet. I finally went and seen my grandmother since my overdose the first time. I showed up at her job embarrassed. My clothes that once fit hung around my bones, As soon as she seen me i just started crying i wasnt sure why then, Now i realized that was my first real cry for help (literally). This was the first time she had asked me to come back home. I said yes i packed my things at “Josh’s” and went back to where i knew i would be safe. I got clean not by myself. I told my grandparents what to expect. I dont think my grandmother slept for weeks. i know she could hear me crying out at night from the pain, hot flashes, restless legs, and lets not forget the fluids that came out. It was awful.

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I was clean for a long time, I even fell in love again. Timmy was my knight and shining armor he was everything i wanted to be. Timmy was also a addict so i was open about it i didnt have to lie. Timmy was in a half way house when i met him. He was the kindest most giving person i had met. He was perfect!! We dated for a little while we didnt tell anyone. We would go to dinner, Movies, Wal-Mart (not much to choose from in our town) every night I would take him back to the half way house and drop him off before his curfew. He would lean in and give me a small kiss and tell me text me when you get home. I always went straight home i knew he would worry if he didnt hear back from me in about 35 minutes. I finally met Timmy’s parents, we had a run in at Wal-Mart they didnt say much to me that first time, they were checking me out. They didnt know much about me. Me and Timmy werent really promoting our relationship yet. I was a little nervous I knew all about them and i knew they knew very little about me. That night when i took Timmy home he asked me to go to church with him and his family, That was a big deal for us. This would be the first time we came out as a couple, I nervously said yes. That next day i got up put on a dress even though Timmy said i could wear jeans (I’m not a dress person) I wanted to look my best, I was about to meet his family and friends! We showed up to Church we got out and Timmy grabbed my hand as we walked towards his family waiting out front, I remember my legs felt like jello. When his mother spoke to me i had to force words to come out, I just knew i was about to turn into a puddle of nervousness. Timmy introduced me to it seems like everyone there. I wouldnt have changed anything about that day. I’ll carry that with me forever.

Me and Timmy had been dating for awhile, we decided to move in together, It was gonna be great we thought. I introduced Timmys little brother to my best friend everything was perfect. Timmys little brother was also a recovering addict. So we all kind of fit in (except my Best Friend) she was just a pot head no hard drugs ever! We all discussed moving in together. Timmy and his brother worked all day and came and worked on our new house after work. Everything was falling into place. (So we thought). They tell you relapse is part of addiction but what they dont tell you is when you have three sober people around one another that if one falls everyone will fall. And thats what happened. one fell and we all went down. One Giant crash and burn. i’ll spare all the details. Timmy’s little brother went back to their parents house, Timmy went back to the halfway house, My best friend back to her sisters, and me I went to Prison rehab. A 90 day program for people just like me. I was scared and alone, things with me and Timmy didnt end so well then. I knew one thing when I got out i was gonna find him, I was gonna apologize. I knew I loved him.

After treatment I got a job, enrolled in school and got up with Timmy. We rekindled our love and what happened I fucked up! I relapsed i completely shut Timmy out. I didnt want my relapse to become his again. I lied about everything he would call i’d be at work, or at school when truthfully i was getting high in the back of a shitty tattoo shop. I almost got myself thrown back in prison i dont know how i didnt. Timmy knew i was lying hell everyone did. I was ashamed when i finally sobered up again I came clean to Timmy. Things were going great we seen his family all the time, we would go to his moms for dinner i loved doing that. Timmy was just like his dad sarcastic and a complete nut. They were definite shit talkers, and if you didnt like it you could “kiss their ass”! You learn to adjust and give it right back. Timmy’s little sister rolled right along with them she had a come back for everything, she is feisty thats for sure. Over the years you learn to open up and just be happy in the moment.

I was with Timmy for 5 years. We had some rocky times in and out of jail, Prison, relapse’s, miscarriages, me fucking up. But Timmy NEVER gave up on me or on US! He seen the good in everything, and i’m more of a glass half empty type of person he always hated that. In that 5 years i seen all the good in Timmy he would give anybody anything, he would take the shirt off his back to give to someone just because they liked the color, Timmy gave his favorite shoes away to a kid next door just because he didnt have any that fit and his parents couldnt afford new ones. Timmy was the type of person that got joy from giving money to the homeless ( i loved that about him). Even in addiction Timmy was kind and giving. Timmy taught me things by actions not words. He always told me words are meaningless without actions and he was right! He showed me everyday that he loved me, Timmy loved his family he always said his dad was his best friend, and his Momma lord help the person that ever said something out the way to his momma. He was overprotective of his sister he tried to hide it but let her talk about a boy! She would never hear the end of it keep in mind she is 21, and his brothers even though they fought he loved them and he told them every time he seen them. He wasnt a cold person, he was a if i have to beat your ass and love you after type of person.

I am telling you this because Timmy is no longer here to tell you. Addiction took away the man i love, it took away a son, a brother, a father, uncle, cousin, and a friend. Addiction took away a soul who will NEVER be forgotten. Just because you cant always see someone’s struggle doesnt mean its not there. You can never take away the last thing you said to someone and you never know it could be the last time you get to say your sorry or I love you.

I am 23 years old and in seven days i will attend my fiance’s service, I will have to say my final goodbyes. I wasnt prepared to do this yet. The night before he died we were arguing about him wearing a bow tie to our wedding. ( he said no bow tie ) That was just three weeks ago. Now im having to pick out a black dress. If you are struggling with addiction call someone, tell someone so this tragedy doesnt happen to you or your loved ones. I think Timmy kept it to himself because he had already fallen and he didnt want me to fall with him and who knows maybe i would have. But there were other solutions. As a addict its a coping skill, it’s what we know best. I cant bring Timmy back and honestly if i could i dont think he would want to come back. He is finally at peace. He wanted to get away from the rinky dink town we grew up in and we couldnt leave fast enough. I’ll never know if it was a accident, i’ll never know what exactly happened that night while i was asleep in bed. We will all have questions for the rest of our lives, questions that only Timmy Michael can anone’s. So if you or someone you love is struggling let them know your there. 

With All My Love,

Kaysy

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I will forever Love You Circles! 💖♼