To The Person Who Didn’t Choose Me

While you stayed out for hours, days, and even weeks, I waited for you. While you locked yourself in the bathroom to self-medicate, I prayed for you.

While you made up countless amounts of lies and excuses, I covered for you. While you forcefully pushed me away, I faithfully tried to pull you closer.

While you were fighting to end your life, I was battling to save it.

I remember laying down at night, watching you while you were sleeping, begging God not to take you away from me; begging God to give you more time to beat this addiction. Sleeping with my hand on your stomach became the norm, and any time your breathing slowed down, I jumped to wake you.

I remember trying to get a hold of you after not hearing from you all day. Calls after calls after calls. Maybe he will respond to a text… Nope. Maybe if I tell him it’s an emergency, he will call me back… Nope.

With a racing heart and shaking hands, I stood by the window for hours; watching for you, waiting for you.

I remember all of the deception; lie after lie after lie. I wanted so badly to believe you, just once. I wanted to mean enough to you to be worth the truth.

I wanted you to have a conscience. I hated the way that you could look me straight in the eye and tell me a lie. I hated the way you could lay with me at night, muttering the words “I love you,” and then wake me up the next morning with a stab to the heart. He’s gone again.

I hated the way that you could shatter my heart in a million pieces, and then go weeks without even one single apology. All I wanted was to know that there was still some love, some compassion, some softness left in that blackened heart of yours.

I was angry, sad, depressed. My emotions were all over the place. I loved you, but God I hated you. I wanted you to feel the pain that you caused me, but all I wanted to do was take your pain away.

The strong urge to slap you every time you walked in the door high was overshadowed by the desire to hold you in my arms and tell you everything was going to be okay.

I remember having so much hope for you every time you told me you were going to get help, and just how heartbroken I was every time those dreams were shattered.

I remember looking at myself in the mirror; a mix of mascara and tears streaming down my face, asking myself why. How did I allow my life to fall into shambles over an addiction that I’d never even had?

Why don’t you love me enough to stop lying? Why don’t you love me enough to get better? Why isn’t my love good enough for you? Why don’t you even care?

You hated yourself, you wanted to die. I thought I could love you enough for the both of us. I thought that my love could fix you. I thought that you could still be capable of loving me, even with that twisted addiction that took over the man that I once knew.

I thought wrong

It took me years to realize that while you were my one true love, the drugs were yours. Nothing I did or said could ever change that.

In the midst of being so wrapped up in sickness, I became sick too.

I loved you with a love that could not be tarnished. I loved you with a love that was so strong, so willing, so passionate.

I loved you so much that I forgot to eat, forgot to take care of any other responsibilities, because all that consumed my mind was you.

I loved you with a love that took away my sense of self, my worth, my value, and my self-esteem. I loved you to the extent in which I forgot how to love myself.

I loved you so much that I became a part of the problem, enabling you was something that I never meant to do. I loved you so much that I became everything I was trying to protect you from. Until I…….

I had to let you go…….

Starting Over

 I thought that after everything i suffered the last year change would be what i needed, I think I was wrong. I made permanent changes and I think maybe i should have made more temporary changes first. I moved away from everyone and everything I knew to become someone else to just restart my life. Now here i am six months later and im still miserable i’m driving back and forth from my current town to where i am from. I thought after Timmy died if i didnt leave i was gonna die. and hell maybe i would have. but completely moving away from everything i’ve known my whole life is killing me. I dont wanna leave my family thats here. They have flipped their lives around so I could be here, they opened their homes, fed, me, help me get started. But i wanna go home I was scared when i left i felt like i was alone cause i had always had Timmy. Now i know i can do this I know I can go back and not be the same person i was before i left. 

 I just got a new job here in a restaurant but I also have reserved a job back at the beach. i am lonely here yes i have family but somethings you cant go to your Mom and talk about. I am so depressed here but when i go back to the beach I am happy. I have worked hard to get to this point in my life to have the mind set I do, I am just struggling with my whole life choice right now. I dont want anyone to get the impression i am leaving for all the wrong reasons. Yes maybe there is other circumstances factoring into my decision that i am choosing not to make public right now. 

Change no offense or anything, but you suck. Seriously, you are just the worst. Why do you even exist? I mean, I know WHY you exist, because life needs to move forward and it would be boring to just be in the same rut and yada yada yada. I guess there is a different question that I should really be asking you. Why do you have to be so unpredictable and hurtful?

 

I mean, you come in all shapes and sizes. Break ups. Failed classes. Natural disasters. Car wrecks. Friends moving away. Moving away myself. And a million other stupid little changes that really throw off a day or a week or a month. The list goes on and on really. And, it’s not enough for it to be hurtful or annoying, it also always has to be a surprise as well! Why is that the case? I mean really, here I am, just going about my life all happy and content and BAM! I crash into you and my world goes into a spiral.

Would it be so hard to give me some warning? I mean I feel like you could do something that would make my life stop spinning around like maybe give me a glimpse into my future so that I can see that it is all going to turn out well in the end? But before you say anything, I know that is not how this all works. You like to spring up on people, sudden and unexpected. There is no way that you would let that happen. Sometimes, because of all this change, I feel like it will never be truly possible for me to live the life I have been hoping for. Sometimes that life feels like a pipe dream going farther and farther away from me.

 

 

I just dont wanna be…… Broken Anymore.

To The Breaker; From The Broken

I want you to imagine this: a girl sitting on her bedroom floor, dry-heaving, her body convulsing with each failed attempt at silencing the sobs, banging her fists onto the ground as she tried to make sense of it all. Now, I want you imagine my face because that girl was me, and I was never good enough for you. 

I was constantly coming second to dozens of other girls. You made me feel completely worthless. You emotionally ruined me.I don’t hate you, though. Instead I want to thank you.
Despite it taking me months, I finally realized that it wasn’t me not being good enough for you, but you not being good enough for me. These words have resonated with me for some time, and I am constantly reminding myself that I deserve better than the distorted perception of love that was handed to me on a tarnished silver platter. I deserve better than being ignored, I deserve better than being manipulated, and I deserve better than you.
I know I’m not the same girl that was on my bedroom floor that night, because I would never give someone complete power over me where I lost control; complete power over me where I felt I was worthless.
I know you’re a good person, but next time you ask yourself what it was you ever did to me I want you to think of the girl crying on her bedroom floor.
I was consumed by nothing but negativity, and for a while I thought you were my only source of light. I was drowning and every single day I woke up and hoped your hand would pull me up to the surface and save me. I was wrong. That night was the night I realized your hand was never there to save me, but instead there to push me deeper below the surface. The only hand I needed was my own.

You were my darkness and it took me too long to realize this.
I know you’re a good person, but next time you ask yourself what it was you ever did to me I want you to think of the girl crying on her bedroom floor. I want you to think of the girl that couldn’t sleep because the nightmares were worse than reality, which had become her own personal hell. I want you to think of the girl who couldn’t eat because she had no appetite from the anxiety caused from thinking she did something wrong. I want you to think of the girl who hated herself so much she had to force herself to get up in the morning, only to crawl back into bed hours later. I want you to think of the girl who had countless silent breakdowns, hoping her parents wouldn’t hear. I want you to think of all the things you never saw, all the things you never experienced, all the things that were kept hidden.
And now I want you to think of the person I have become, and I want you to know that I am thankful for you creating a monster. I’m no longer a monster, and I no longer have to force happiness. No more do I have to seek validation from others that I am worthy. I am thankful you were a part of my life, because you became the best & worst thing to happen to me.
I do hope you’re happy, and just know I don’t regret you. I would never wish for you to experience the same hell as me, I just wish you the same happiness that I can finally experience every day. Thank you for engulfing me in darkness, thank you for helping me grow, and thank you for pushing me further below the surface. Too many great things have come from that darkness. Too many great things have come from you.

Dear Best Friend 

You are more than a friend. You’re my sister, my partner-in-crime, my other half. You know me better than I know myself. You know what I like, what I love, what I hate. You applaud my passions and tolerate my faults. You’re there for me, always. And it’s not always about what we say, or what we do – because you, by yourself, is enough. You, with your smile, your laugh, your friendship – it’s more than I deserve. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, and we’re stronger than ever. Because there’s no me without you. You’re part of me – part of me, my life, my family, my entire world. You’ve been there for the ups and downs. You’ve seen me at my worst – you’ve been there to hold my hand. You’re some kind of second mother/sister/therapist/bodyguard all rolled into one. We’ve taken on the world, together, side-by-side. The truth is, I don’t think I could do it without you.
No. That’s wrong. I know I couldn’t do it without you.
They say you don’t get to pick who you’re related to. That’s true. But you do get to pick who your family is. Your real family. And you’ll always be my family. We’re closer than sisters could be, thicker than any thieves. You know all my secrets, all my wild ambitions. You support every one of my craziest fantasies. What would I do without you? I guess I’d have to watch Rent and Titanic on my own, on the couch, with a pint of ice cream and no one to cry with. I’d have to learn to take care of myself. I’d have to dole out my own advice. I’d have to scheme and dream – all on my own.Who would I text when I can’t sleep? Who would I FaceTime until 2AM, just because we can? Who would talk me through every family crisis, every wardrobe malfunction, every anxiety attack? I tell you all the secrets I can’t tell my mom. You know everything – everything about me, probably better than I know myself. You know I tend to overreact, but you don’t judge me for it. You never have. You’ve been there for the smallest victories and the biggest catastrophes. College hasn’t changed us. Not one bit. We might be busy with school, work, family and relationships, but we always have time for each other when there’s a minute to breathe. I know I complain more than I should, but you always listen. Without hesitation, in fact. I can’t thank you enough for that. You’ve been there for the heartbreaks, the disappointments, even the failures. You know about the boy who broke my heart, and we both know you’ll hit him with your car if you ever get the chance. You were there when I didn’t get into that dream school, when I flunked that exam. You cheered me up and brought me ice cream. You took me dancing when I wanted to cry – you made me breakfast when I crashed on your couch.We have these plans, you and I. To travel, to see the world. To be neighbors someday (because, honestly, I need to be near you – who else is going to tell me if my shoes match my dress? And let’s be honest, pictures won’t do it justice. Ever. I mean, we’re going to need to be close so we can have movie marathons, and yes – no, I’m not kidding – sleepovers. We’ll be the twenty-somethings watching Friends in our pajamas, inside a pillow-fort. Every good TV show, every good movie, has a dynamic duo. That’s us. I think we could have our own show, and honestly, I think people would watch it. Because we’re the kind of people that laugh so hard we start to cry. We have our own jokes, our own routine, our own language – on second thought, maybe the TV show isn’t such a great idea. The point is, you get me. You understand me. We understand each other. You know when I’m feeling down, the standard “I’m fine” is never enough for you. You just know better. And I’m glad you know better, because sometimes I feel like no one understands me. But you always do. You always know what to do and what to say. I don’t know how, but you’ve perfected the art of tending to me, myself, and I.
I don’t know where you came from, or even how we managed to find each other: seven billion people, and you’re my favorite.The truth is, you might not be my past – but you’re my present. And my future. The truth is, none of this would make any sense without you. We fit together like puzzle pieces. I don’t think any of us are meant to walk this world alone, and I’m so lucky it’s you I get to have by my side. Near or far, you’ll always have a special place in my heart. The fact is, I’d do anything for you. You’re my buddy, my pal, my #1.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you. Friendship is one of the most rewarding things life has to offer, and I refuse to take it for granted. I refuse to take you for granted. You, my best friend, my sister, my partner-in-crime. Even when all I can see is the worst in me, you still see the best. You remind me who I am, and who I want to be. You make me a better person. And while the world might tremble at the sight of the two of us (because, honestly, together we’re a force to be reckoned with), I know there’s no one I’d rather laugh and cry with. 

Thank you. For being you. For being the most wonderful best friend I could ever ask for. For agreeing – albeit silently – to be part of my crazy life.
Sincerely,
Your Best Friend (AKA, Your Sister-from-Another-Mister, Your BFF, Your Confidant, Your #1 Fan)

The Broke Girl


Dear “you”
I hope you’re happy, you always got satisfaction out of seeing my misery.

I knew from the beginning you were going to be poison to my life, but I fell into your words and your games; I fell hard.

I tried to keep my distance, I did the best I could for a long time. I tried to keep my head on straight, to not get caught up in what I knew to be lies, to not let you convince me that anything with you was good, but my heart had more control.

I never even realized that I was so attached, until you began doing things to hurt me. I thought for a long time that you didn’t even realize that what you were going was killing me inside. Then, I realized that you did and you got some kind of sick satisfaction out of seeing me hurt. 

After almost three years, and all the absolute hell you put me through, I hated you. I hated you with every ounce of my being, I spent all my time thinking about the terrible things you did me, said to me, and how bad you treated me. I just could not understand how you could treat me so awful, when all I ever did was love you. 

I eventually had to let it go, I had to let the anger and hate go, I had to let you go. I was holding on to something that was poisonous to me as a person, I could no longer let myself feel bad for what you did.

So, I forgave you. Yes, I forgave you. I know you wanted me to hate you, you wanted me to think about you all the time, you wanted me to lose sleep at night over you, you all together wanted me to always want you. Even though, you NEVER wanted me. You wanted someone to want you, and at that point it was me that desperately wanted you. 

Also a few other words I never though I would tell you, thank you. No, you didn’t read that wrong, thank you. You taught me how to become a better person, even though you made me hit rock bottom before I saw the top again. You made me see the potential that I couldn’t, the potential that took hurt and figuring out how to make yourself whole again, before I realized I had it in myself. One last thing I must thank you for is you made me so much stronger and a great deal smarter. I now know what type of guys to stay far away from, thank you oh so much.

I hope one day you grow up. I hope one day you meet a girl that did all the things I did for you. I hope by the time she wonders across your path, that you know she is keeper. She will do everything for you, like I did, but this time you will be ready for a girl like her. I hope you treat her like she deserves to be treated, because I know she will deserve it. It will also hurt me a little to see you give her what you couldn’t give me, but I will be so happy for you both.

So, next time you try to sneak back in my life, don’t. You can’t hurt me anymore, because I will not let you. 

I wish you the best of luck in your future, you have a lot of maturing to do. Maybe one day I will cross your mind again, you might even feel bad for how awful you treated me, don’t. You helped me find myself again, maybe you’ll figure out who you are one day, too. 
Best Regards,
 The Girl You Broke 

I Hope He Loves You

I Hope You Find Someone Who Appreciates You


‪ ‬
‪I hope he comforts you during your wretchedness. When you are frail and you feel like your world is about to collapse‬.

‪I hope he sees the light in your eyes when you gaze at him; the way my eyes lit up when I looked at you.‬

‪I hope he holds your hand when you feel cold. Or when you are anxious. Or just simply hold your hand because he doesn’t want to let you go.‬

‪I hope he closes his eyes when he kisses you. Feel the magic in your lips and gallop in spark with every breath you make.‬

‪I hope he tells you goodnight. Ask how your day was and not let you sleep knowing you feel unwanted.‬

‪I hope he checks on you when you are alone. When you feel lonely and when you feel no one is around to give you warmth.‬

‪I hope he wipes your tears away. Choose you without dividing your good parts and your ugly ones. Choose you every single day.‬

‪I hope he appreciates you. The kind of person that you are. Because you are more than enough.‬
‪I hope he knows how to listen. When you are in a bad mood and would just like to rant. Lend an ear and assure you everything will be all right.‬

‪I hope he makes time for you. Put an effort to include you in his list of priorities. That he would actually go out of his way just to spend a moment with you and make sure you’re fine.‬

‪I hope he stays when times get rough. When it’s not only convenient. Because he really wants you in his life.‬

‪I hope he understands that you are flawed. You may be imperfect and needy at times, but you are so worthy of love because you give so much of it, too.‬

‪I hope he helps you understand yourself. Help you find answers to your “why’s” and actually enjoy every minute of it without having to make you feel like it’s a chore.‬

‪I hope he feels your excitement when you talk about him. Like the sun rises and sets in his eyes. Like he is the only thing that matters to you.‬

‪I hope he loves you exactly just the way you are. Not just because you are breathtakingly beautiful, but because you are you… Because I always loved you, but now I’m gone and I don’t expect you to hold on forever but please know how much I loved you. 

4

To The Man After….

By now im sure you have realized that I am broken and that my life is a up hill battle. But i hope that you will except me and all of my many pieces. I hope that you can be patient with me while I am trying to find myself in this crazy life, I hope that you are accepting of my past all parts the good and the bad. I hope that you will equally Love my other set of parents the ones that where there during the most difficult times of my life. I hope you will stay understanding and forgiving because I tend to push people away when i get upset or depressed, I hope that you will Love me like I love you because when i love someone i tend to put all my energy into loving that ONE person. So i Pray that you will stay and not break me more than i am already broken..

But before we go on, there’s something you gotta know. About me. About you. About us.

It’s been a while since I’ve been with anyone like this before. Not been with been with. But you know what I mean. Like this. I’m actually surprised that I can open up to someone again, to feel anything of this sort again. 

You might ask me why I say these things. But truth is, past heartbreak has taught me a lesson or two. I’ve seen a lot that I can’t unsee, experienced a lot of pain and craziness that I still carry with me to this day. Not that you’re going to be walking on eggshells – no, it’s going to be fun – I just want you to know that I’ve had a lot of time to work on myself as a complete individual.

 

If I first hesitate to make you my whole world, especially in the beginning, don’t get too mad. I’ve done so in the past and it usually blew up in my face. I probably won’t make you my entire world ever, because, well, I know better than that. You’re going to be a big part of it, yes, but I’m only going to show you who I really am in bits and pieces. Patience pays off.

I’m not with you because I think I need completing. I’m with you because you add to my well of existing happiness and wellbeing. I’m not with you because you make me question my value as an individual. I’m with you because you’re the only person who knows how much ass I kick as I do. And I probably think you kick just as much of it.

So don’t freak out when I challenge you, provoke you, push you beyond your limits. It’s only because I know the potential you have and want you to reach it. I’d only hope that you’d encourage me to do the same. This doesn’t mean I want you to change – no, if I wanted you to change, I’d be with someone else. The way I see it, we’re equals, best friends, a team, a partnership, constantly inspiring one another to do better, to be better.

Know that me choosing to dedicate myself to you at this point in my life, after all has been said and done, means that you’re pretty fucking special. And don’t you ever, ever question that.