Starting Over

 I thought that after everything i suffered the last year change would be what i needed, I think I was wrong. I made permanent changes and I think maybe i should have made more temporary changes first. I moved away from everyone and everything I knew to become someone else to just restart my life. Now here i am six months later and im still miserable i’m driving back and forth from my current town to where i am from. I thought after Timmy died if i didnt leave i was gonna die. and hell maybe i would have. but completely moving away from everything i’ve known my whole life is killing me. I dont wanna leave my family thats here. They have flipped their lives around so I could be here, they opened their homes, fed, me, help me get started. But i wanna go home I was scared when i left i felt like i was alone cause i had always had Timmy. Now i know i can do this I know I can go back and not be the same person i was before i left. 

 I just got a new job here in a restaurant but I also have reserved a job back at the beach. i am lonely here yes i have family but somethings you cant go to your Mom and talk about. I am so depressed here but when i go back to the beach I am happy. I have worked hard to get to this point in my life to have the mind set I do, I am just struggling with my whole life choice right now. I dont want anyone to get the impression i am leaving for all the wrong reasons. Yes maybe there is other circumstances factoring into my decision that i am choosing not to make public right now. 

Change no offense or anything, but you suck. Seriously, you are just the worst. Why do you even exist? I mean, I know WHY you exist, because life needs to move forward and it would be boring to just be in the same rut and yada yada yada. I guess there is a different question that I should really be asking you. Why do you have to be so unpredictable and hurtful?

 

I mean, you come in all shapes and sizes. Break ups. Failed classes. Natural disasters. Car wrecks. Friends moving away. Moving away myself. And a million other stupid little changes that really throw off a day or a week or a month. The list goes on and on really. And, it’s not enough for it to be hurtful or annoying, it also always has to be a surprise as well! Why is that the case? I mean really, here I am, just going about my life all happy and content and BAM! I crash into you and my world goes into a spiral.

Would it be so hard to give me some warning? I mean I feel like you could do something that would make my life stop spinning around like maybe give me a glimpse into my future so that I can see that it is all going to turn out well in the end? But before you say anything, I know that is not how this all works. You like to spring up on people, sudden and unexpected. There is no way that you would let that happen. Sometimes, because of all this change, I feel like it will never be truly possible for me to live the life I have been hoping for. Sometimes that life feels like a pipe dream going farther and farther away from me.

 

 

I just dont wanna be…… Broken Anymore.

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